We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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