An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
