I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
