Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
