My hair reeks of homosexuality.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
