Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Randomize
