Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
