ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
