Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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