last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
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two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
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Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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