If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
