I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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