Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
