Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
