At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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