I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
