He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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