My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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