She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
