she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just found puke in my bra..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
