you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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