Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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