i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
