My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
