I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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