The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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