I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Couch. On fire.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
