She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
