I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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