Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
from now on my penis is your penis
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
