I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
