My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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