Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You ruined the universe
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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