I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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