I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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