I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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