I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
