HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
