some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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