god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
