apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
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I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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