i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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