I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
