I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
