I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
