Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
How's work?
Spinning.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
