i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
