Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
