and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
