she woke up with a sticky ear
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Sober January is a disaster.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
