The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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