i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
