cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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