New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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