The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
